Don't Be Offended. Skip This Post!

Some of my regular readers might be offended by this article. Skip it. Don't read it because it crosses some of my boundaries of personal holiness, but it is also well written, has pithy truth in it and is hilarious in places. I will not apologise to you if you write to complain, so save your breath. You were warned. Don't read this post.

James Griffin: Seeking gifts, I traverse afar, New Zealand Herald, 15 December

"Mary, it's me! Hello? Can you hear me? It's Joseph. Right, good, sorry about all the noise, there's like a million people down here and they're playing bloody Feliz Navidad everywhere I go, there's no bloody escaping it. Still, at least it's not Snoopy's Christmas, eh? Sorry, what was that you said? Some kid went by just as you spoke, yelling at his parents about how they suck and how this is going to be the worst Christmas ever.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm down at Westfield Nazareth. Finally. Don't get me started about finding a carpark, I had to cruise round for, like, half an hour before a spot opened up and then some dickhead in an Audi gives me the finger when I'd been waiting for ages for this family in a people-mover to get themselves sorted out and back out. I was indicating and everything, then this dork sees his chance and tries to race me for the spot. So I gun it and he, like, pulls up just before he smacks into me and then has the audacity to give me an earful when I was the one who totally had the rights to the spot!
Honey, our boy would have been way proud the way I turned the other cheek when all I wanted to do was get seriously road rage on his ass.

"So I'm here now and, let me tell you, the whole concept of hell we've been working with up 'til now - it's all changed babe. I am standing in the middle of it and in hell, I know now, they play Feliz Navidad over and over again. And there are angry people everywhere and everyone is stressed out and this is not doing my blood pressure any good. And, just to top things off on this most joyous day of days in the season, I have totally forgotten to bring the Lego list with me. I think I left it on the kitchen bench - can you go and have a look for me?

"Yeah, yeah, I'm still here. And guess what, they're not playing Feliz Navidad anymore - hallelujah! Instead we're being treated to Do They Know It's Christmas? Brilliant, when you consider Christmas is the only sodding reason we're all here, so I think we're pretty bloody well aware what time of the year it is, thank you very much! And if 'they' aren't, then they're the lucky ones.

"No, I am approaching this with an open mind and, yes, I did agree to do the boy's shopping this year - even though, as God knows all too well, he's not strictly 'my' boy, is he? No, I'm not harping on about the stepfather-of-the-Son-of-God thing again, I'm just saying, that's all. Can we stick to the Lego wish list issue, please?

"Right, which is all well and good, except the Lego situation, at this end is that you cannot get Batman Lego for love nor money. Yes, honey, I'm sure, I've looked in every bloody shop where there might be Batman Lego - there is none. So unless you want to get you-know-who to work one of His miracles and pony up with some Batman Lego for his chosen son, then Batman Lego is off the Christmas list. What's next?

"Okay, when you say Indiana Jones Lego, can you be more specific? I am standing here in front of a wall of Indiana Jones Lego and buggered if I can remember what he's got and what he hasn't? There's some kind of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Lego and one with Nazis in trucks and one with a float plane and there's a big boulder in this one. They all look the freaking same to me and now they're playing I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus so just really don't tell me, right now, that you knew Santa Claus as well, because I can't be dealing with that stuff right now!

"Look, yes, I'm well aware that I'm buying for both Christmas and his birthday - funny how that turned out - but Christmas isn't all about our son! Okay, yes, on one level it is, but that's not what I'm talking about!

"No I won't 'calm down' because no one else in this hell-hole is calm so why should I be the exception? Please, just tell me what Lego to buy before I buy the whole bloody lot and we end up at the money-lenders. I mean, honey, you know how the carpentry business is always the first to feel the pinch in a recession, so I don't want to make unwise gift choices just because I feel the need to appease Him. That's all I'm saying.

"Okay, cool. The Lego Agents thing with the truck that unfolds, I know what you mean. I'm staring right at it. Done. "Holy crap! Have you seen how much this stuff costs? And now they're playing Snoopy's Christmas - bollocks!"